Crutching: The sport of champions

I like to think of my life as a movie. Or maybe a very long television show.  I already have the soundtrack started.  Before recent developments, I would have classified my life as a comedy or maybe even one of those cheesy teen-girl movies that I love too much. 

Matt Costa's 'Yellow Taxi' will be my theme song

Recently, my life has turned into ESPN/America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Each sport always has its own jargon and I have developed the language of the sport of “Crutching”.  This is a sport that requires exceptional back strength, adequate arm strength, sufficient abdominal strength and superior balance.

A Flash:  Crutcher’s life flashes before their eyes.  Could be the cause of a Chiquita, a Speedy, or a number of other moves. ‘The chipper’ is frequently confused with or executed at the same moment as a flash.

Chiquita: Named after everyone’s favorite banana lady, is the unfortunate incident of the slip of one crutch.

Speedy: When sufficient speed is used while crutching or freestylin’.  A move normally employed whilst catching busses.

The Chipper:  The feeling of intense fear of chipping a tooth while hopping up stairs.

The Legolas Crawl: The technique most frequently used to climb stairs on rainy days.  The crutches are lodged in between the backpack and the person for easy access while crawling on hands and knees up the stairs.

The 5’3” Sprawl: Crutcher goes from upright to sprawled in less than 2 seconds.  The number is crutcher-specific and dependant on height. 

Freestylin’:  The act of hopping without the tools of the trade. Most 5’3” Sprawls are performed while freestylin’.

Now that we’re on the same page…

Today my lesson was a road trip around the USA.  We made ‘stops’ in Miami, New York, and California.  Somewhere between New York and California things went downhill fast.  Actually there was no hill.

While speedy freestylin’ with exceptional gracefulness, Keri Ann Moore experienced a flash which resulted in a 5’3” Sprawl.  The crowd, being her class of 16 year olds, especially enjoyed the finale.  Executed with extraordinary precision and poise she remained on the floor the rest of class.  Floor: 1. Keri Ann: 0.