Dear Polish Asshole,
I know
this insult might be confusing for you. “How could calling someone something
with so many muscular fibers be a bad thing?” you might ask. This insult is
meant to allude to your uncanny ability to excrete waste into any environment
you inhabit. You pollute your surroundings.
In my
life, I have been consistently astounded by the kindness that strangers have
shown me. You have successfully reminded me that evil exists in this world.
There are some people who live like parasites, gaining pleasure from others’
pain, discomfort, and sadness. Oh, sweet sphincter, your parasitic ways are
astounding.
I used
to think that through travel and study abroad, the most close-minded of us all
could benefit in some way. Oh, naïveté!
It is
possible that my metaphor is more accurate than intended. Maybe you have only
been given the world’s leftovers. That’s not your fault. However, in this scenario, you should have been able to discard of those leftovers and start again fresh. Maybe
this metaphor is too generous. The anus does, after all, expel toxins from our bodies. It serves
a useful purpose for the greater good. You must be broken.
So, Mr.
Broken Asshole, after you asked me to guess where you’re from, I’m sorry that I
guessed Russia. Russians are too good for you. I apologize to the Polish
people, for I am sorry that there is someone disgracing your name in China. I
apologize to the world for any American asshole that you may have met in your
lifetime.
Sincerely,
Keri Ann
P.S. After you called me fat today, I ate an entire meal at
a restaurant. I licked my plate clean. I’ll probably do it again at dinner. In
your honor, of course.
